i hope some team of psychoanalysts & sociologists have been doing in-depth studies on our response to bad news here in the united states. i write this because i’ve noticed a significant difference in my own reactions to circumstances over the past couple of years.

it’s honestly difficult for me to remember the first six months of the pandemic—all times pre-vaccine, locked indoors. i was moving from one place to the next, all were wrapped in silence & fear. that time now is just a blur—some giant, misshapen void of anxiety & disconnection. hand-written signs on café doors reading temporarily closed for lockdown hung for months on end. for some time, the only thing to change was the body count.

(this is all on top of the fact the three years prior had been a non-stop, outrage-inducing hellscape called the trump administration.)

i have a history of getting pretty angry when it comes to situations regarding ‘the world at large.’ since those early days of covid, though, any nuance in my rage has disappeared. there used to be other emotions wrapped up in my anger—depending on the context—that helped me define that feeling. everything now is just fuck. this. shit.

there’s just been too much to handle over too long a time. though the political beliefs of any given american may change what parts of the past six years felt harrowing, enough has happened to where all of us have experienced an emotional spin cycle for a majority of it. not only is one type of bad news emotionally indiscernible from the next, but nothing feels good. it’s like we’re all individual bingo cards of trauma with our own lists of why we feel like shit. the world keeps spinning & once a line connects, all emotion becomes a void of malaise.

the court overturning roe is a big deal, but for the moment we’re in, it feels like just another thing. like it would have been a more significant issue in 2004 or something when the headlines were just about the wars. all this talk about the future of women’s health & i’m just thinking, future? what future? you people think there’s a future?

& that’s where i’m at—my anger is no longer defined by any emotion other than resignation. not resigned to inaction, but to the belief no action is worth taking if it means maintaining this system. resigned to hope only for state collapse, because there has been no shred of evidence that it is worth the trouble otherwise. resigned to know this is all only going to get worse.