i am now 24 hours into the recovery period from my first covid booster shot, so if this is nonsensical then just take into account i’m experiencing some passive combination of lethargy, delirium, and pain. i waited this long to even get my first booster for two reasons. one is that when the next, worse variant inevitably arrives, i’d like to have a fighting chance.

but the real reason i abstained from the shot for so long is that i fucking hate thinking of the pandemic. i hate that by saying nothing for the past three months, the government has all but admitted it couldn’t give a shit about covid anymore. i hate that it’s been over two years & 1,000,000 dead & at no time did the state do anything other than the absolute minimum—until it was time for the rest of us to ‘get back to work.’

both the state & media have assigned the blame to those who didn’t get vaccinated. which, whatever, they certainly didn’t & don’t help, but after a violently divisive election it was a pretty big mis-step for the democrats to think people who believe donald trump is their savior were going to fall in line.

but mainly, there’s been no sense of hope since the beginning of all this. so much has been lost over two years—far more than a million lives. the day-to-day insanity that was the pandemic for the first year was beyond overwhelming. the last has been a constant shift between bewilderment & exhaustion. there has been no time to process all that has happened, and i truly believe that’s how the state wants it to be. teenage sadness is just an article. that the wealth of the 1% grew by $3.6 trillion while the working class lost $3.7 trillion is just a coincidence.

i would be infuriated about the whole thing if i wasn’t so depressed about it. soldiers spend less time on a tour of duty than the average american just spent with a completely upended & wholly isolated life. now the state is involved in a proxy war, they’re telling cities to use pandemic money to fund the police, and the country is averaging over 100,000 cases of covid per day again. this is what a failed state looks like—but it’s what a capitalist utopia does, too.