waves of sound · photo by catherine

all in all, it was a good day. this is fairly new to me, as birthdays a) have never been my favorite thing, b) have never been spent sober & c) the last couple have been especially horrible. there are first times for everything, they say. i suppose they’re right. ‘if it’s a cliché, that means it’s been repeated forever. if it’s been repeated forever, that’s probably because it’s true.’

taking the bad with the good is how i have to live these days—can’t just drink it all away anymore. so for my 39th i booked a few hours at a rehearsal studio to make music. loops upon loops to meditate away the emotions of the past few years.

there is the good, and the bad. all is balance. i guess that’s why when the night took a rough turn toward the end, it had to be about all of these things. a friend i’d met in the psych ward/detox facility a few months back called me & didn’t sound right on the line. i asked him how things were going. “i gave it up man, i just said fuck it,” came the slurred reply, and my heart dropped. “couldn’t deal with all the bullshit man.”

i knew what he was talking about, and i asked him when it happened. “today, man, tonight,” and i didn’t know what to say after that—we were supposed to be one another’s call if we felt any threat of relapse. he’d called me a few days earlier & i couldn’t answer. i can’t help but wonder if that was the call for help.

he would have had 90 days today. it just feels kind of surreal. the call went on for a few minutes, he repeated himself a few times & i abridged my replies. it couldn’t end soon enough—an unwelcome but necessary feeling.

take the bad with the good. everything is balance.